Lost Property Read online

  When the van arrives and the rest of my furnishings, my pictures and all my books are driven off into storage I stand at the traffic lights, a lone figure, stationary among a flood of movement, while the people and the traffic pour relentlessly past, either side. I watch the van out of sight. And BritAnnia snug among her bags, on her doorstep, watches me. Now I have nothing. I feel lightly giddy, as though whatever force holds my feet to their print on the ground might slacken suddenly, as though I might unmoor and float away. My belongings were so solid, such tangible proof of my life in reality, of myself. Without them there is no evidence; nothing left but the finite mess of body that I am, and my waning life which floats constantly in front of me, lit like a moon.

  Normally, under these conditions, there would be a guide to take me by the hand, to lead me somewhere enlightening, show me things, explain. Quest literature is full of gods made into pillars of salt, or cloud; of sorcerers or genies, or, as I said before, epic poets returned from the grave. No one has yet come forward.

  I am sitting on a railway bench, thinking about this, on a day when the sky has pulled itself down as far as my feet, thick as a duvet. I am waiting for a delayed train. Around me and away down the tracks whitish shadows bulk dim into the distance, even the most solid things reduced to suggestion. Little red tail-lights of trains to elsewhere swallowed in fog. Stillness. Foundering. On the digital board the estimated time of my train recedes into the future as if things had started running backwards. I’m not surprised.

  I should say ‘we’. We are sitting on a railway bench, because I’m not in fact alone. I don’t have a guide, as such, but I have the man I share my life with. We are doing this together, although of the two of us I am the only one in extremis, the only one looking for answers. He isn’t bothered by the intractability of the world. He is never in one place for long enough to feel implicated by its failure.

  ‘The thing is,’ I tell him, ‘I was hoping for a guide to point us in the right direction.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ he says quickly. ‘I am a guide.’ It’s true. He is. He has a small travel business. He takes people round archaeological sites. He’s an expert on the ancient world – Greece and Rome in particular. ‘Won’t I do?’ He sounds mildly aggrieved.

  ‘I know, of course,’ I say, before correcting myself. ‘I mean, perfect.’ Although it isn’t. I had promised myself the obliterating gravitas of Virgil. There is nothing heavy about Rupert, his four decades of knowledge so lightly worn. To cover my confusion and to apologize, I say, ‘I was hoping you could do something like Virgil does for Dante; slap me in the face with the nature of man, show me the heart of life.’

  He leans forward, his beard beaded with mist. ‘How often would you like slapping – daily? Or just once a week?’ He has his eyebrows lightly raised, his head ironically tilted. He knows if he slaps me I will slap him back. I look at him as he sits beside me. He doesn’t have the nose to be Virgil. Sideways on, his nose and his forehead make one line and his eyes, all the time, have the look of somewhere else. Also he has a kind of detachedness. He looks a bit like Hermes. It wouldn’t be hard to imagine…

  ‘Can’t you just pretend?’ he says, as if he’d read my thoughts. ‘If I was a god in disguise, you wouldn’t be able to tell.’ Now it is my turn to look ironic. He isn’t a god but it’s true: if he was, I wouldn’t know. He pulls a filled baguette out of the pocket of his old leather coat and begins wolfing through it as though it needed killing first.

  ‘What did Hermes do?’ I ask.

  ‘Well, his official title is the Psychopomp,’ he says between mouthfuls. ‘He’s a guide, traditionally of animals as well as people. He deals in dreams and cattle and technology. He is a trickster and a thief, and he guides souls on their final journey to the Underworld.’ I think on what he’s said. Some of it is OK.

  ‘Either way I will have to put you into my account,’ I say to him, half apologetic. I know he doesn’t like to be pinned down. ‘I mean, it wouldn’t be honest to leave you out. I’m not the sort of person who would just set off on a major journey by myself.’

  He looks at me in silence, his mouth very full. After a while he swallows. ‘You can’t put someone called Rupert into a book,’ he replies, and goes back to eating.

  He is right, though not for the reason he would have given. When I write his name down he drains out of it, as if the loops of the letters were holes in a sieve. Empty.

  What shall I do – call him something else? Nothing else works. Everything I try feels false. I ask him what he thinks. He is silent again. Then he puts up one hand in front of his very full mouth to act as a shield. He always talks with his mouth full.

  ‘If you put me in, it won’t really be me. It will be someone else.’ Little flecks of something like pickle spray from his lips.

  ‘No,’ I say, hesitating, ‘it won’t… True.’ It is an odd paradox that for the sake of truth I have to use his real name, but that the result will be someone invented.

  That seems to be the end of the conversation.

  We need a vehicle. We are on our way to test-drive a second-hand campervan in which to make our journey. The dealership is in a hinterland of scrub outside Pangbourne, gorse mostly, being picked round by ponies in a cat’s cradle of electric fencing. We rock our way, by taxi, a little hopeless, up a track in and out of potholes to a concrete yard. The driver says he is happy to wait; lots to look at here. He says it like it’s the greatest joke ever made. It’s true, it’s a sorry set-up. There is a litter of forgotten-looking vans too big for what we want and a Portakabin, tilted as if standing on one leg ashamed, and well it might be. Out of it, as we pull up, comes someone blazing with reddish hair, part boy, part fox, with several sets of keys jingling in his hand and a cocky little terrier trotting behind him. His clothes look as though he had slept in them not just last night but for the whole of last week. But he is impossibly, almost embarrassingly handsome. I have to make myself look away. Instinctively I try pulling myself together. How have I got so old, so invisible? I look brightly round at the collapsed vehicles. The one we are trying out is very small. Rupert and the fox boy sit in the front seats, their shoulders touching and their heads hunched forward, and I, sitting sideways on one of the benches, can’t see out of the back windows unless I fold myself in half. When the boy turns the key there is complete silence. The van is dead. Unfazed, he hops out and jump-leads it back to life.

  ‘It’s not the fastest,’ he says as we move at a slow running pace, back down the track. ‘But once it’s going, it’ll go forever.’ In the rear-view mirror I can’t help noticing that my mouth is open. I shut it and look at the needle of the speedometer. We are on the open road. It is trembling with effort, trying to hold itself at sixty.

  ‘Thanks,’ Rupert says over the rattle of the engine. ‘We’ll have a think.’ He says it in a way that means ‘we are not interested’ and ‘you’ll never hear from us again’ and I find myself surprised because, despite the jump-leads, despite the junkyard hopelessness of the outfit, I am not able to see past the fox boy’s patter, the power of his blazing looks. Obviously, or so I thought, we were going to buy it.

  Finally, days later, we settle on a second-hand Romahome. It is fifteen feet by five, more or less, made of yachting fibreglass on the Isle of Wight, an upside-down boat on wheels. A good vessel for an upside-down time. I like the fact that its name is that of a tribe of outsiders, and I like the fact that, read backwards, it spells amor. Let’s hope that will be some protection.

  London to Greece overland, to the island of Syros, is where we are going. You can fly the distance in a few hours and one change. It isn’t what people consider ‘a journey’. But we are going by parallel. We plan on taking months.

  We provision ourselves for the trip. We buy a fold-up colander to save space, teabags for a continent devoted to coffee, a fold-up steamer so we can cook two things in one pot, a fold-up shovel for latrine digging, a camping shower that can be hung from a tree. Or rather, Rupert
buys. The wood has closed about me again and I am in a different place. In this savage and extreme world, why are we busying ourselves buying kettles? I walk round the shops very carefully, newly aware that my body, which is all I have, is very soft, very puncturable.

  Rupert considers torches, maps, e-guide books. He makes lists and crosses things off. Sometimes he asks me, sometimes he just looks at me as if to ask and then carries on. The closer the deadline comes, the worse it gets. I leave my purse in a shop in Richmond and he travels the two-hour round-trip to retrieve it for me as a matter of course. I am aware all the time that I am being very gently carried. I don’t feel bad. It is a matter of practicality. I haven’t actually checked but it feels now as though I have no skin at all, as though the complex networks of vein and muscle, the wet mesh of my capillaries, are directly exposed to London’s air. I worry briefly about grit.

  Meanwhile, on the floor in the flat’s sitting room we make piles of books, among them The New Penguin Book of English Verse which is as heavy as an anchor chain and I hope will do the same job. This is the oddest thing – the side by side of normality and crisis. A flayed person carrying out mundanities. Rupert, who isn’t flayed, walks endlessly about the streets buying, organizing, clicking his fingers. He likes clicking. He clicks his fingers all the time; not the ones I would use – the first and second – but the fourth. He can do both hands. He’s very popular. I have known him since I was eighteen but it seems as if I am seeing these things for the first time. Did I notice before? I honestly can’t remember. Everywhere we go we bump into people who seem to know him. He greets them all ecstatically; someone he knew from New York, someone who worked in a restaurant he once owned.

  ‘Hey, Steve!’ he says in response to a shout of delight in the Portobello Road.

  ‘Steve? What Steve? Don’t you Steve me!’ says Steve, whose name is Tom. Rupert laughs but afterwards, ashamed, he says to me, ‘That was terrible, poor Tom. I just didn’t remember.’ I say nothing because I think I’m not there.

  In the final week we make a farewell tour of various friends, parking in their driveways and serving them tea in the van. ‘Hilarious,’ they keep on saying. But I, as always, am serious.

  On the evening of our departure my brother comes to the flat with celebratory food and drink. Both my selves are reduced to a kind of stunned silence but I eat and talk banalities nonetheless. Questing takes a certain type of courage, or so it seems, sloughing the familiar and accepting what will come. That’s why, in books, it is done by heroes, or by those who have nothing to lose. For a long time now I have doubted my resilience.

  After supper we load the van into the small hours, cramming into the tiny lift, up and down from the third floor with armfuls of luggage. In the van my brother and I stow things into overhead cupboards until they are rammed. He is cheerful and tender. He hopes I will have an exciting time. I am to send him regular updates on where I am and what I see. He doesn’t say anything about whether or not my skin is still in place. But then, he isn’t looking for damage. Why would he? This looks like a normal thing I am doing; going away on an extended trip because my three children are now grown up.

  Rupert is nonchalantly still packing. Weighed down with bags and rucksacks, my brother and I wait again by the lift. The pressure which has been building all day breaks in a bomb-blast of thunder. We stop and listen. Uninterrupted drown-fall. My brother and I look at each other. ‘Portent,’ he says.

  Outside on the balcony, when we go to see, water-sheets are hanging in the dark. And in the flat the rain pours into my aunt’s bedroom through the ceiling. We run to and fro with trays and saucepans. We move the furniture aside. Everything is dissolving. There is the sound of drumming. ‘This is not apocalypse’, my one self tells my wide-eyed other. ‘It’s just a violent weather pattern.’

  When the rain ends we pack a final load into the creaking van and go to bed. This is the last night, but I don’t sleep. I lie in my bed listening to Rupert’s untroubled breathing, and the night city. Nothing has drowned; the traffic, the people on the streets, all the great machinery of global society still turning. I lie on my back looking at the ceiling that I now know is permeable. I clench my hands under the covers. ‘What are you so afraid of?’ my one self says to my other. In my head, it is D.H. Lawrence who answers.

  ‘Sometimes,’ he says, his consonants clattering like little slips of shale on the hard hills of his native landscape. ‘Sometimes, snakes can’t slough. They can’t burst their old skin. Then they go sick and die inside the old skin, and nobody ever sees the new pattern. It needs a real desperate recklessness to burst your old skin at last. You simply don’t care what happens to you, if you rip yourself in two, so long as you do get out. It also needs a real belief in the new skin. Otherwise you are likely never to make the effort. Then you gradually sicken and go rotten and die in the old skin.’

  Maybe I’m not flayed after all. Maybe I’m just rotting. I may be sick already. We all may be. ‘I’m frightened of change,’ my one self whispers to my other, ‘for myself and for everything else. I can’t tell where I stop and where the world starts and I don’t want either one to burst.’

  My other self has no answer. Everything seems so shifting, so uncertain as if our civilization or even our whole species has found itself failing Lawrence’s test. The rising chatter of opinion, escapism in all our art forms, while violence of every kind runs riot in a dying world. Everywhere, the old, the comfortable bonds are loosening. The people I saw in the London streets, on the day I went out to buy boxes, holding hands, talking languages in the sun and the flying wind, are drifting unconsciously apart. Soon we will all be out of reach.

  Departure. England has decided to look its best, washed luminous by the last night’s rain, but I harden my heart. I have fallen out of love with my country. In the London Underground recently they have been handing out badges encouraging conversation. Tube Chat, the badges say. A cosy attempt to lessen our cultural isolation, our horror at breaking the silence of strangers. But it is very difficult for an island not to be isolated – its nature is right there, rooted in its own name.

  We drive slowly out of London, past places I’ve never been before. The lighthouse at Trinity Buoy, which has lost its purpose and is the size of a toy, and the towering City, which is taking its place. Where new towers have yet to rise, cranes rest against the sky. They look delicate, unaware of what they are creating; this mouth crammed with glass fangs.

  ‘All the better to eat you with, my dear,’ the City says to itself as we pass.

  Rupert is driving. The radio is on and his telephone rings incessantly – each time he has to answer it with one hand and turn down the music with the other. He bobs up his knees to steady the steering wheel. He drives sometimes for quite a distance like this, using his knees to steer. I should care but it seems I don’t. I just let myself be carried, my two selves sunk like stones to an inaccessible bottom, as if it had happened and I were actually dead already, carried to the afterlife with my few necessaries around me. This is Hermes’ job, guiding souls down to the edge of the Underworld. Maybe Rupert is Hermes after all.

  ‘Yep,’ he is saying into his phone, ‘yep, I can do that… Send me the details and we can discuss it all when I’ve got them in front of me… No problem.’

  ‘A lot of people seem to need your services,’ I say when he finishes the latest call.

  He nods. ‘I am much in demand.’

  Even above the telephone and the music the van clatters constantly, the gas-cooker fittings, the crockery and glasses in the cupboards. As on a boat, you know you are travelling. I can’t help glancing into the back every now and then, until I get used to the noise, to check that everything is still safely stowed.

  Outside, the countryside is caught in the current of autumn. Woods crowd to the horizon either side. Kent dressed to the skyline for departure, under a patchwork sky. And everything, it seems, is lit with leaving, my thoughts shedding and drifting as if they too were seasonal
.

  ‘Are you OK, England?’ I ask it only now that I’m leaving, half surprised to find I mind. As if in answer, up ahead, smoke billows in the distance. On the hard shoulder a police car is in Hollywood flames. Everyone speeds by as if it was normal. Bizarre. I blink and swivel round to check I’m not dreaming. I am not. We continue.

  Now, on our right, there is the sea, dotted with ferries going different ways, and a castle squatting dour on its hill with a matching town down below. We have got as far as Dover.

  The town, when we enter it, seems forgotten, turning its back and facing landward as if the port didn’t matter, the few inhabitants who happen to be out wind-blown along its streets with lowered heads. Everything looks ill-assorted, as though no one had cared or thought it through. Once elegant houses in streets that have either lost track of where they were going or just given up in the face of a one-way system, cower in the shadow of giant ferries.

  We buy porridge oats in the supermarket and food for supper, one lemon, some pasta and a head of broccoli. I had almost hoped we wouldn’t be able to go but the boat is not full. We can cross at 18.20.

  Goodbye then, England. I have no idea what you are. Are you the books that I read, or the language I still love?

  It is evening. There is no one on the quay. The windows of the houses appear blank as we pull away. I look at these famous chalk cliffs and the rising hills behind. I look at the single trees in outline on their ridges, and their woods of oak and ash. I think of the stubborn ground and its weeds and of all the bodies of water up and down the country; the ponds and the quick rivers, the ones clear to their pebbled beds, or the ones still with silt; and I think of the man-made fields and little hedges and I roll them all up together. Is that what you are, England – just the landscape I know in my bones?

  Nothing answers of course, and it is late in the day to be asking, but that doesn’t stop me. It seems an urgent question. I lean out as if to make England hear. It seems I have to know before I leave.